


Broad Love

by VelvetCandy



Series: Skinny Love [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Complete, Cutting, Depression, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:19:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 14,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelvetCandy/pseuds/VelvetCandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(sequel to Skinny Love)<br/>It's been a couple months since Phil and Cat's wedding and they're already trying to build a functioning life with each other. Dan and PJ are now living together like best friends in the same way Dan used to with Phil, except PJ is more forward in certain ares. Along the way, there are strains in their lives which test both Dan and Phil's ability to handle stress. With drama and betrayal, old loves might start to find their way again.<br/>"Sometimes love isn't worth it." Or is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow thank you for actually sticking around to read the sequel! So I said before that this one will have a better ending, but it will also have a richer and darker middle to it. I really hope you all enjoy it!

**~Phil~**

"Dammit!"The glass heart I was holding shattered on the floor scattering it's bits and pieces everywhere.

"Phil, did you drop it?" My wife giggled.

"Uh...no." I quickly found a broom and started to sweep up as much as I could before Cat could come in and see the mess I made.

It'd been three months since our wedding and we were moving in to a new house to start our life. It was more near central London and packing was rough. I had been sharing a flat with her ever since I moved out of Dan and mine's and we decided it was time for a change. The new house had three bedrooms when we really only needed one or two, but Cat had insisted on taking this one. In truth, we talked about having kids. I've always wanted to be a dad, and Cat thinks she'll make a great mum, so we might try soon.

"You are so clumsy, you know that?" Cat walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around my waist, pressing kisses into my neck.

"Yeah, or so I've been told." I spun her around and held her in my arms whilst looking into her beautiful brown eyes. _My wife,_ I thought. _All mine._

"I love you, Mrs. Lester." I smiled.

She laughed. "And I, you Mr. Lester." She kissed me sweetly and it seemed to last forever until she pulled away. "Come on. We've got to finish unpacking."

"Oh yeah. And I hope you don't mind but a few people are coming over to help us."

"Really? How many?"

"Two I think. They should be here any minute now-" As if on queue, the doorbell rang and I ran to the door to answer it.

"We're here to rob you! Give us all your money!" PJ lunged at me laughing, first trying to steal my wallet then just to give me a hug. Behind him was Dan, my best friend, standing there and smiling awkwardly.

"Peej! Dan! Glad you could help!" I walked over to Dan and gave him a hug as well once PJ released me from his grasp.

"Well we had to take time out of our _outrageously_ packed schedule, but we found a couple minutes to spare." Dan joked.

"I'm so honored. Why don't you come into the kitchen? We have some coffee if you want some."

"That'd be great."

I led them into the kitchen and directed them to a keurig with instant coffee cups sitting beside it.

"Oh Phil, still a loser with instant coffee, I see?" Dan laughed.

"Hey! It's not my fault if it's easier than grounds!"

"I see the help is here?" Cat walked in from around the corner and eyed Dan and PJ.

"Oh yeah. Cat, you remember Dan and Peej from the wedding?" I asked carefully. "

Yes, it's nice to see you again." She didn't say it in her usual soft tone of voice but I elected to ignore it.

"Well the lounge needs to be unpacked so you should probably start there." With that, Cat turned on her heel and walked up the stairs to finish our bedroom.

"Yes mam." PJ remarked before marching off to the lounge. Dan followed him and so did I soon after. I'm not one-hundred percent sure why Cat was icy towards them, but I think it had something to do with her suspicions they were a couple. I wouldn't call her homophobic, but she wasn't as accepting. She looked at them as if they were different than her so she treated them so. I only mentioned it once to her, but she denied that she thought that way. There wasn't really anything I could do to fix that. Whilst we unpacked, we talked about our YouTube channels, favourite shows, and other things that we would usually talk about. It was nice, seeming normal. I felt safe and secure like nothing ever bad would happen again. That's the way friends make you feel, I guess. Like you're finally home.


	2. Chapter 2

**~Dan~**

It hurts. Seeing Phil happy with his new wife and new life. There he was kissing Cat with lips that once kissed me long ago, as if nothing between us ever happened. I couldn't say anything, though. I promised myself I wouldn't get in the way of their happiness.

When PJ and I went to help Phil unpack his belongings in his new house, Cat acted somewhat hostile towards us. Whilst I was disappointed that Phil loved someone who hated me, I was actually very glad because I was given a reason to dislike her. Something about Cat made me very suspicious about her, like I knew that one day she would fuck up. It hadn't happened yet, but I knew it would some day.

After leaving Phil and Cat's house, PJ and I went back to our flat. It was strange, calling it ours instead of mine and Phil's. Sometimes I'd hear sounds from the kitchen late at night and for a second I'll think it's Phil eating my cereal, but it's just PJ having a midnight glass of milk. I miss having Phil as a flatmate.

"Dan? Are you okay? I'm kicking your ass at Mario Kart and that never happens. Is something wrong?" PJ paused the game we were playing and looked at me sympathetically. "

Yeah, I'm fine. I just thought I'd get over my feelings for Phil after so long, but seeing him today kinda made it worse." I looked down at the controller in my hands embarrassingly, still feeling awkward about talking to PJ about that sort of stuff.

"How 'bout I get you some chocolate? We have loads." He stood up from the sofa and started to rummage through our kitchen, opening cupboards then shutting them hastily. 

"Do we have any beer?" PJ stopped his search for candy and looked at me sternly.

"Dan, you know that you can't drink. We don't want you-"

"I'm not going to get back into it, okay? Just one drink wouldn't hurt."

"You've been six months clean, do you really want to break that streak?" I thought for a second.

"No." I sighed. Before Phil moved out, I developed a serious drinking problem. When PJ found out, he moved in and tried to get me help. It was working, as he said I was six months clean but sometimes I really needed it. Although if PJ hadn't helped me, I don't know where I'd be. Probably face down in a ditch somewhere.

"That's a good boy." He handed me a box of chocolate. "Here, eat up."

"Thanks Peej." I took the box gratefully and shoved a raspberry filled candy into my mouth hungrily. "You really know how to make a girl happy."

He laughed loudly at my remark. "Only you."

After cheering me up, we continued our game of Mario Kart where I did in fact kick his ass. It's always funny seeing him lose since he says things like "winning games is irrelevant" or "well at least we had fun so winning doesn't really matter" but when he wins a game he's all "you see I'm the master at mastering you" and "you can suck it because I'm the best". It's very entertaining. It's moments like that when I forget about everything I've lost and even thoughts of Phil couldn't bring me down. It makes me feel glad that I'm not actually alone.

Once our game was done and dinner was eaten, we both sat on our asses in the lounge scrolling through tumblr. I tried not to look at my tag anymore, as it's full of fans wondering why Phil and I never make videos together anymore or why Phil moved out. The only thing they know is that PJ moved into our flat and Phil moved out, nothing about him getting married. Though now PJ helps me with videos and I do the same for him. It's not like he could ever replace Phil, but he's certainly taken up the responsibility that a best friend has. He's even there for me when Phil isn't, and for that I'm glad.


	3. Chapter 3

**~PJ~**

I still haven't told him yet. I don't think I ever want to, but I know I should. _This is exactly what happened to him with Phil and look what's happened._ I was right. I needed to tell him before something else gets in the way. _But he still has feelings for him, do you really think he'll just drop him?_ I could never stop Dan from loving someone else, but I could get him to love me. I don't know when it happened or why or how, but what I did know was I was in love with Dan Howell.

I really didn't want to put a name on my sexuality, but I guess I was pansexual. I just liked whoever I liked and it never bothered me. Though if I had to choose a preference, it would be boys. Girls were so hard to please sometimes and they were so complicated. They were beautiful too, though; I just thought boys were less stressful and, well, sexier. Dan was probably the sexiest boy I'd ever met and honestly he had me swooning from the very start. He only sees me as a friend, though. No matter how hard I try, I can't get him to forget about Phil. When Dan first told me he was in love with Phil, I was both happy and disappointed. Happy because "holy fuck the guy I like is actually gay", but disappointed because he was set on someone else. Dan always talked about the pain he felt when he saw Phil and Cat together, but I don't think it could compare with the pain I felt knowing Dan was pining for a different boy. The good thing to come of Phil and Cat's relationship is Dan was now free. I could swoop in and make him mine and nothing could stop me form doing so. I knew what I wanted and I was going to go after it.

One night when we were talking in Dan's bedroom, I decided that that was when I was going to tell him how I felt. There he was in a black sweater with the sleeves going over his hands looking absolutely adorable; it had me smitten. His bronze brown eyes with rings of gold reflected the city light pouring through the window and I knew I had to tell him right then and there, or else I would have wasted a beautiful opportunity.

"Dan?" He looked up from his phone.

"Yeah?"

I took a deep breath. "I need to tell you something...."


	4. Chapter 4

**~Phil~**

We were a healthy couple, me and Cat. We spent a lot of time together but we also had out own things we did. She let me be with my YouTube videos and she had "girl's night out" every Friday. We knew almost everything about each other, but there were still secrets. Not harmful ones, just secrets that didn't need to be shared. Other than those few things, though, we were pretty much completely open with one another. For example, one day she came to me with an _idea_ on how I could make extra money.

"Cat, I'm not doing it."

"Why not?"

"Because donating sperm is what people do when they don't have any money. Have you not seen _Friends_? Besides, why do you even want me to?"

"Well if we are going to start a family, you should see if you can. Plus who wouldn't want to have your children?" I thought for a second.

"Alright I'll do it. But only because you want me to."

She smiled and kissed me."Great. I'll have dinner ready when you get back."

*****************************************************************************************************

The sperm bank was awkward, just like I thought it would be, but when I got home everything that felt dirty washed away. Cat had set up a table with food and candles with wine to top it off. Except for some reason, there was a carton of grape juice sitting out as well; like one of us couldn't drink tonight. It looked as if we were celebrating for something. Just then my wife marched out in a beautiful dress with two wine glasses.

"What's all this?" I laughed in disbelief.

"A celebration party. Just for us." She sang into my ear.

"What are we celebrating?" She paused for a long time before grinning and whispering,

"I got you a gift. Why don't you open it?" It was really strange, seeing her all giggly and secretive, but I did what she asked and picked up a small silver box with a blue and pink ribbon on it. I shook it a little before unwrapping and it sounded small and hard. Curious as ever, I untied the ribbon and lifted the top off of the box. Inside, there lay a little tube shaped like a thermometer. A tad bit confused, I picked it up and inspected it. That was when I found a small screen with two tiny pink lines on it. I dropped it from shock and looked up at Cat. "

Cat.... Are you?"

She grinned and nodded. "I'm pregnant!" She laughed.

I ran and picked her up, spinning her around and kissing her passionately. _I'm going to be a father. I'm going to have a child!_ I kissed my wife again. _I'm going to have a family of my own._ It was probably the happiest day of my life.


	5. Chapter 5

**~Dan~**

I thought it was just a normal night. PJ and I usually ended up in either his or my bedroom just talking about stuff. Sometimes we weren't even talking, just enjoying each other's company in silence. Like I said, I thought it was going to be normal. Until PJ changed that.

"Dan?" He asked with a cautious tone.

"Yeah?" I looked up from the game I was playing on my phone so I could concentrate on what he was going to say; from his voice it sounded important.

"I need to tell you something." He looked at me with confidence yet almost fear.

"Alright, what is it?" I turned my body so I was completely facing him, focusing on what was to come. "

"I know that you're still trying to get over Phil, and I know that's it's hard seeing him happy with someone else. But you need to let that go. He's going to live his life and you should try to live yours. You know what they say: the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else. Maybe your 'Phil remedy' is closer than you think."

 _Closer than you think. That's exactly what Phil said to me at his wedding._ "What's that supposed to mean?" Before I could understand what was happening, PJ was kissing me gently yet firmly, pressing his mouth against mine with determination. I almost let into the kiss until I pulled away suddenly.

"Why- why did you do that?" I breathed.

"That's my way of telling you that I love you. You don't have to say it back, in fact don't say anything. Just let me kiss you for now. I think we could both use it."

Thoughts and emotions swirled in my head, all conflicting with my feelings for Phil and my view of PJ. I didn't know if I loved him, or if I even liked him in that way. But when I looked into his green eyes, I knew he was right. If I wanted to get over Phil I'd have to let go. Those were the last rational words I thought before I leaned in and kissed PJ again, loving the feeling of his lips on mine. As his hands roamed my back and my tongue slipped into his mouth, all thoughts of Phil and whether this was a good idea or not vanished. I ran my hands through his light brown curls and he snaked one of his up my shirt. Honestly, I didn't care one bit. All I wanted was to forget about anything and everything, and if sleeping with PJ was the way to do it, then I was going to.


	6. Chapter 6

**~PJ~**

Telling Dan that I loved him went better than expected. The best case scenario actually. Not only was he okay with it, he let me kiss him. And he kissed me back. Everything I hoped for was happening and I couldn't be more thankful. Somehow I managed to convince him that the best "remedy" to get over Phil was to sleep with someone else and as luck had it, it was me. Well, sort of me. We didn't have sex, just made out a lot and took our shirts off (Jesus that boy is sexy) but we did fall asleep together. It was cute and I felt happy for once; I hope he felt the same.

When I woke up, the other side of the bed was empty and the door was open. I sat up confused at first, not remembering what I was doing sleeping in Dan's room. When the events of the night before finally came back to me, a smile spread on my lips. Lips that had been kissed by Daniel Howell. Slowly, I arose from the bed and walked to the kitchen where Dan was making breakfast. Still in his pyjama bottoms without a shirt himself, I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He jumped a little, then relaxed when he knew it was me.

"Good morning." He said almost laughing.

"Hmm." I mumbled, pressing lazy kisses into his soft, warm skin. My curls must have brushed the sensitive parts of his neck, as he was now freaking out and swatting me out of instinct. Luckily, I dodged his flailing limbs and jumped back laughing at how adorably strange he was.

"Sorry." I chuckled, walking to sit down on the sofa.

"No- it's not your fault. You know, it's just I have a thing about my neck." He explained.

"Really? You didn't seem to have a 'neck thing' when I was leaving my mark all over it last night." Dan blushed furiously and started concentrating really hard on pouring his cereal. "By the way I'm making a video I want you to be in today so you might wanna find a way to cover those up."

Dan walked over to the sofa with his bowl of Shreddies and sat down next to me with a semi-serious look on his face. "Peej- about what happened...."

"What about it?" I cut him off. I didn't mean to sound hostile, but he was sounding like he was going to go back on his feelings about me. If he did, I knew it was going to hurt and. Dan sighed.

"It was- I don't know. It was nice, but I'm not sure what exactly it means to me. I know how it felt, that it was like releasing all the stress. But I just- don't know. I'm not ready for another relationship, but I don't think I want to stop this. You see what I mean?" I thought for a second about what he was saying. _So he doesn't want to stop, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship? Does that mean...?_ Suddenly it clicked, and I realized what he was saying. A smile spread across my face just at the thought of his words. _I could have Dan without all of the complicated stuff. We could still be friends like we always were, but the best parts are still there._ I didn't know that I wanted it specifically to be that way, but that might be the way it should be.

"Yeah." I said finally. "I completely understand."


	7. Chapter 7

**~Phil~**

It was great, knowing I was going to be a dad. I always wanted children and now my beautiful wife and I are going to start a family. She was about a month along now, barely even a bump where our unborn child was. Cat was always bustling about trying to do things on her own, but I was worried about her being pregnant so I tried to do everything for her. That being said she may have taken advantage of me just a little bit.

"Phil!" My wife yelled from the lounge.

"What is it, Cat?"

"Can you hand me the remote please?" I sighed as I walked literally three feet in front of her chair and handed her the remote. When I gave it to her she started giggling like a school girl.

"Is that all, your highness?"

She suppressed her giggles and cleared her throat."For me, yeah I'm good for now. Although the bank called and they asked to see you. Said it was personal and kinda urgent but not really urgent."

"The bank? Why would I have something personal there? Is one of the tellers in love with me or something? I mean I couldn't blame them, just look at me."

Cat chuckled. "Not that type of bank, sweetie."

I thought for a second. "Oh." I remembered the sperm bank I had went to just a few weeks ago and felt slightly embarrassed. _Like my bank account would have a personal issue._ "I think I should go then. I mean, if it's kinda-almost urgent it sounds somewhat-mostly important."

She laughed a little and motioned for me to kiss her cheek, which I gladly did. "Have fun discussing your genitals!" She shouted after me as I walked out the door making me blush. _At least she's optimistic..._

At the bank, a woman at the front desk told me they were expecting me after I told her what my name was. Honestly it was almost comic book antagonist-like. She led me to a bright white room with a couple squishy chairs and told me to sit down and wait for Doctor Duggan, whoever that was. After six whole grueling minutes, a man with a white coat and dark brown hair stepped into the room and smiled at me.

"Ah! You must be Mr. Lester! I'm glad you came, your wife didn't seem like the type to let you go anywhere without complete details but I'm happy you actually showed." Dr. Duggan stuck out his hand and I stood up to shake it. He had a firm grip.

"And you're Dr. Duggan, I guess?"

"Please," He smiled as he sat at his desk. "Call me Will."

"Okay, Will." I sat back down in my chair. "I don't mean to be hasty, but why was I called here? My wife said it was mostly urgent."

Will's smile faded away almost instantly. He shuffled around some papers until he found the one he was looking for. "Mr. Lester, when you came in a few weeks ago to donate, we had so many donors and work to do that we couldn't completely look everything over."

"So what? Did I forget to fill out some paperwork or something?"

"No, it's not the paperwork. It's the sample."

I paused for a second before replying. "What about it?" My voice was unsure, making me sound scared when I was actually more curious. Maybe a little scared.

Will sighed and moved so he was leaning against the front of his desk. He took off his glasses and rubbed where the creases were, obviously struggling with having to break the news with me. "Instead of sperm, what we found were remaining anti-bodies. It seems you have a tragically mistaken immune system."

"What-what does that mean?" I tried to sound strong and confident, but my voice was shaky.

"Mr. Lester, it means that, for you, reaching fertility is almost impossible. I'm very sorry, but you can't have children."

It was like a slap to the face. _I can't have kids? But Cat...she's...._ "Dr. Duggan I don't understand...my wife...she's pregnant." I asked confused.

He looked at me with an equally as confused expression. "I don't know how she is, but it can't be yours. Mr. Lester, you cannot have kids. Maybe you need to... talk it out with her." I stared at my hands trying to piece together all the evidence that was put in front of me. Eventually Dr. Duggan led me out and I started on my way back to my flat. The mixture of emotions going through me was enough to make the average man explode, yet somehow I was still walking. The champion of those feelings: anger. I had finally figured out what was going on and I was livid. As I opened the door, I saw Cat sitting like there wasn't a care in the world. I took a deep breath and prepared for the worst, my words already perfectly formed in my mind.


	8. Chapter 8

**~PJ~**

Never in my life did I think I would be in this situation. Here I was sitting with a boy and laughing about anime when just a few hours ago I fucked him up the ass. I don't think I'd ever get used to it: being friends with benefits. Although to be honest, it was almost like an actual relationship. Or at least the ones you see in the movies, all "best friends but with sex". But I had a different plan. If I kept what I had with Dan up long enough, maybe I could get him to see the other side of it. Maybe I could get him to fall in love with me. It was risky for sure, but as long as there was a chance I was willing to take it.

A month into it, all was going well for both of us with our arrangement. All it took were a few kisses pressed into his shoulders or him crawling into my bed late at night and we were done for. We never really talked about it when we were finished, but maybe that's supposed to be what friends with benefits do? I had no clue, honestly. One thing I did know, though, was that Dan was dead set on not being anything more than that. In the heat of the moment (more than once) I would gasp out to Dan, "I love you". He never said it back. He never even acknowledged my feelings for him. It hurt like an ache, and it wouldn't go away.

I remembered what Dan would tell me about him and Phil, about how and why it hurt. He said that their relationship was "romantic deceived by the appearance of being platonic", and I couldn't help but laugh at the bitter sweet irony. Dan had love and lost it with sex, now we have sex and I'm lost without his love. If anything could make me feel like shit, it was this very thought.

Sometimes I was scared that I would lose Dan. If there was no love between us, he could just as easily fall for another person and replace me. If Phil came back, I had no clue what I'd do. Dan was still madly in love with his best friend, and I was but a substitute. What I do know is that I would try and fight for Dan. I love him and I'm going to make him realize that he loves me. That way no one could ever tear us apart, not even Phil.


	9. Chapter 9

**~Dan~**

Fuck emotions. Fuck them all. Fuck sadness, fuck happiness, and especially fuck love. For the past month, I had been going in between crying over Phil, laughing with PJ, and being fucked up the ass by my friend. My insides were sore from feeling so much and I think I might have exploded already if it weren't for the temporary calmness when I'm asleep. I feel like a ticking time bomb, as though I might explode any second now.To top it all off, my emotions were confused as well. I no longer know what is love and what is friendship. _What if I'm the problem? What if I've never had any mates and now I keep thinking I'm in love with them? What if there's something wrong with me?_ Those were the very thoughts that plagued me at night.

Just when I thought I couldn't be more broken inside, I saw that Phil sent me an email. Since I never really check my inbox anymore, the email was two and a half weeks old. _I hope it wasn't important...._ When I opened it, I saw a very long message and chuckled to myself. _At least some things haven't changed._ As I started to read it, however, I stopped laughing. Most of it was just updates about how he and Cat had been getting along which I really couldn't care less about, but at the end of it all, he said he had an important announcement. Cat was pregnant. I could physically feel my heart shatter into pieces. What could've been mine was now officially lost. I just sat there in shocked silence, no more tears to shed.

I thought about it a lot now. The official statement that Phil was destined to be with someone else. Honestly, I never took his marriage to Cat seriously. I was happy for them, but deep down I felt it was wrong. I had hoped that maybe Phil would realize that eventually. Instead, he is now in charge of a life that he helped create with the woman he loves. Strangely, I didn't feel as sad, not even angry. It was almost like my last hope was gone and now I was clueless. The last drop of emotion and effort I put into my feelings toward Phil was obliterated; I felt empty. _He's going to live his life and you should try to live yours._ PJ's words from the first night sounded in my ears and I couldn't help but agree with him.

PJ confessed his love for me that night, and I never said anything back; I still haven't actually. I think it's because I didn't know how I felt about him. Whether it was because of Phil or because of myself, I never came to a conclusion on how I felt about PJ. Now, with Phil officially far from my sights, I could focus on that. The curly haired boy with dazzling green eyes and breakfast-making dance moves like no one has seen, the creative and sweet boy that supported me and loved me more than anyone else, the boy who had been living right beside me the whole time and I never stopped for a moment to notice him. That boy. _Do I- do I love him too?_ That thought shocked me more than it should have, but I think it was true. I planned to tell him soon after I realized this, knowing from experience what would happen if I didn't.

We were sitting on the sofa watching Sherlock. It was late at night and something deep inside of me was urging me to tell PJ about how I felt. To be honest, it couldn't be any less romantic. After just have finishing a pizza with garlic bread sitting in our sweatpants with k-pop distantly playing from my room, the moment should be all but dead. But what the fuck does my gut know about romance anyway? So, I took a deep breath and turned to PJ.

"Peej?" He turned his head toward me.

"Yeah?" "Well, we've been living together for quite some time now and I just wanted to say-" My sentence was cut short by the sound of our doorbell. I sighed heavily. "Never mind, I'll tell you later." Once again, my gut had been wrong. I was furious at the interruption and was about ready to scream at whoever was at the door, but then I opened it.


	10. Chapter 10

**~Phil~**

The door to our house creaked as I opened it, something I had been meaning to fix. Now I'm not sure I ever will. Cat turned around in her chair and smiled up at me, her husband coming home. "So what was all that about?" She saw the look on my face and immediately stopped smiling, instead a look of concern presented itself on her features. "Phil? Is everything alright?"

"How long?" I asked grimly. My voice got so low it almost scared me and my hands were trembling so I balled them into fists. She looked at me in a funny way.

"How long?" She repeated my question.

"How long have you been cheating on me?"

A serious expression played out on her face. "Phil, I don't know what-"

"I can't have kids, Cat. Just found out less than an hour ago. So how is it that your sitting there pregnant? It can't be my child, so whose is it?" For each step I took towards my wife, my tone grew more hostile. The fear of what I was doing was completely gone now; just hurt and rage lay in its place.

Cat stood up and walked to meet me, sighing loudly. "A little over nine months." She looked down guiltily.

"Nine months?!" I didn't want to yell, but the anger was just oozing out of me at this point. "Cat, we've known each other for eleven months! You're telling me that this whole time you've been lying and cheating?! Right under my nose?!" She nodded slightly and I ran my hands through my hair. "It was those 'Friday girl's nights out', wasn't it? And I didn't even suspect...."

"Then I guess that was your fault then." She whispered to herself.

Unfortunately for her, I heard. "My fault? _My_ fault? Catherine, I was in love with you! I cared about you! And you just fucking ripped my heart out and spat on it! You know, I could deal with you cheating on me. That I couldn't please you enough so for the last few weeks you saw another man. But no, it's the lies. The fact that since the day we met, you never had the intention of loyalty." The exasperation was practically dripping from my mouth now.

Cat looked up at me, the guilt in her eyes vanished and irritation replacing it. "Me, the unloyal one? Don't make me laugh, Phil. Like you didn't fool around with that _friend_ of yours! Dan? Or PJ? Or hell, why not both of them?! I tried to deny it but no! I've been married to a queer this whole time! You're sick!" I could tell that there was cold-hearted disgust coursing through her veins.

"You- you leave them out of this. And you know what? I did love Dan. He was my friend, my best friend, and I gave him up for you."

"Then you made the wrong choice." She sneered.

"Yeah, I guess I did." I said quietly. We just stared at each other for a moment, not entirely sure what would happen next. I was the one who broke eye contact, just to walk out of the house, slamming the door behind me. It was cold outside and I had no idea where I was going to go seek refuge. My feet carried me all the way, as my mind was still back at the house fighting with Cat. _I can't believe she did this to me...._ When I saw whose door I was at, my heart stopped. All the same, I rang the doorbell. I waited only a few seconds before the door opened and a familiar face appeared.

"Phil?"

After holding on for so long, I ran up and hugged Dan tight, letting go and crying. They were tears of anger and sadness, not just for Cat but also for what could have been. If I had chosen Dan instead of Cat, we could have been happy together. Instead I was crying into his shoulder like I scared little kid. But I ignored it. I was exhausted, tired, and all I wanted to do was cry. So I did.


	11. Chapter 11

~Dan~

All I said was his name when I opened the door, and the next thing I knew he was in my arms crying. When Phil cried, it was silent. But this, this was different. Loud sobs sounded and he was shaking violently. At first I thought it was because he was cold, but after we got him inside he was still shaking. I wrapped a fluffy blanket around his shoulder and made him some tea whilst PJ sat him on the sofa and tried to comfort him. Once he was settled, we asked him about what happened. In a weak voice, he explained everything to us. It made me furious.

"That bitch! She has no right- she should be ashamed-" I was so angry I couldn't even form full sentences. I stood up, not sure what I was going to do, but PJ caught my arm and shook his head slowly, so I sat back down.

"I was so stupid." Phil whispered.

"No, you weren't. You have nothing to be blamed for, she deceived all of us. She's just a girl that's too good at being a liar who happened to prey on you. I'm so sorry, Phil." PJ had Phil under one of his arms and was rubbing his back soothingly, trying to calm him down.

He sniffled. "Thanks, Peej. You too Dan. I'm sorry that I've ruined your night with my problems. It's just that I didn't know where else to go and-"

"Don't be sorry. Never be sorry. We're your friends, Phil. We'll always be there for you." I smiled at him softly and, to my happiness, he smiled back. We stayed like that for a few seconds until PJ cleared his throat.

"So do you want to stay the night? Because we don't exactly have a guest bed."

"He can sleep in my bed." PJ looked at me alarmingly. "I mean- he can have my bed and I'll take the couch." His gaze relaxed.

"Are you sure? I don't want to make you uncomfortable-"

"Don't be serious, Phil. It's the least I could do."

He smiled again. "Thanks." Phil fell asleep only a little while after that; I'm guessing it's because of how emotionally exhausted he was. With help from PJ, we carried him into my room and put him to bed, like a 6 ft tall toddler. Seeing how late it was, I got some blankets and pillows and was going to go to sleep. However, my brain had other ideas. All I could think of was how Phil had just come back into my life, this time for good hopefully. But why now? I was in love with PJ and I was over Phil. _Or am I?_ Another swirling vortex of mixed emotions took over my consciousness, but eventually I fell asleep. But not for long.


	12. Chapter 12

**~PJ~**

My socked feet padded softly across the hard floor in the middle of the night. I glanced over to Dan's bedroom door and hoped that Phil would stay asleep; it was about two o'clock in the morning. Feeling my way down the hall into the lounge, I tripped over the coffee table and landed on the sofa straight onto Dan's legs. _So much for a smooth entrance._ He jerked awake (probably expecting an intruder, the paranoid bastard) but he relaxed when he saw it was only me.

"Peej?" He grumbled. "What are you doing? It's the middle of the night."

I arranged myself so I wasn't sitting on him instead beside him. "I wanted to talk. No, actually, you wanted to talk."

"Huh?" Dan rubbed his eyes sleepily, obviously not remembering due to having just been woken up.

"Last night, you were about to tell me something. You said that we'd been living together for a while now and you just wanted to say- and then you were cut off. Is there something you wanted to tell me?" I almost knew what Dan was going to say. When he looked at me right before we were interrupted, it was the same look that used to be reserved for Phil alone. Something told me deep inside that Dan was going to tell me that he loved me. But now that Phil was back, I wasn't so sure. I knew that if he stayed for a while, Dan would fall back in love with him and I would never have a chance. That's why I confronted him sooner rather than later, to make sure that would never happen.

"Oh, yeah." Dan sat up and looked me in the eyes before taking a breath. "I just wanted to say- thank you. For everything." He smiled. My face fell. I really thought that he was going to say that he loved me.

"Yeah well, no problem. You'd do the same for me." I stood up to walk back to my room but Dan caught my wrist before I could.

"Wait, no. That's not what I wanted to say." He let go to run his hands through his hair and I sat back down. "I was going to tell you that- I just wanted you to know-" He sighed. "Ah, fuck it. I love you, Peej. Okay?" Dan looked frustrated by his own emotions and I couldn't help but chuckle. For that, he gave me a puzzled look.

"Don't hurt yourself, Dan. And I love you too, but I think you know that already." I took his hands in mine, showing him how much I cared. He smiled brightly and I couldn't resist. I bent down slightly and kissed him, the first one slow and soft, the second one firm and loving. When we pulled apart, Dan put his forehead against mine and we just sat there breathing in each other for a moment. Finally, I stood up.

"You've had a long day. You should sleep." His mouth opened to object, but I pecked him on the lips quickly, silencing his words. I started to walk away and our hands, which were still clasped together, gently glided across each other's as I made my way back to my room.

Before I shut my door, I heard him mumble, "Good night." I smiled to myself and shut the door, collapsing onto my bed. _Finally_ , I thought. _Someone loves me._ I closed my eyes after those words, drifting off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**~Phil~**

When I woke up, it took me few seconds to realize where I was. Then I saw Dan's comforter around me and remembered; but that wasn't the only thing I remembered. I fell back into the firm pillows and stared at the ceiling wondering if what I saw was a dream or not. It was late and I was tired, but I didn’t think I could dream something as vivid as that.

Late in the night, I thought I could get up and maybe eat some of Dan's cereal. I knew he wouldn't yell at me this time because of what happened. But on my way to the kitchen, I saw PJ sitting with Dan on the sofa. I didn’t want to disturb them and was about to leave when I saw PJ lean over and kiss him. I couldn't believe it. In a shocked and sad state, I dragged myself back to bed, trying to convince myself that I didn't see what I thought it was. It couldn't have been that.

I sighed deeply and attempted to shove those thoughts into the farthest corner if my mind, but in doing so another memory appeared. It was Cat yelling at me, telling me that I was a horrible person. I remembered the look in her eyes as she called me a queer, like it was an insult. I was blind to her ignorance because I fell in love with her; I guess that makes me the ignorant one.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table and saw that it was almost eight in the morning, surely the others would be up by now. Slowly, I crawled out of bed and padded down to the lounge where Dan was starting the fire and PJ was making bacon for breakfast.

"Good morning, sleepy head." PJ sang.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily. "Morning. To be honest, I didn't really expect Dan to be up this early."

"Yeah well PJ wakes up at like six and there's no way I can sleep through his ruckus. Especially when I'm sleeping on the sofa." Dan grumbled.

I chuckled a little bit. Some things never change, things being Dan's attitude towards mornings.

"Maybe that's life's way of saying you're a lazy ass."

"Try just an ass, maybe." PJ murmered from the stove.

"Yup, an ass that won't quit." Dan laughed as he stood up and walked to the sofa.

PJ walked over with three plates full of bacon and eggs and handed them to Dan and I before sitting down on the sofa himself. Way too close to Dan, I might add. Without another word, they turned on the television to an anime I never heard of and continued watching it. _Just like we used to do._

It was strange, seeing Dan live with Peej like I used to with him. They were so used to each other and comfortable; it was foreign. But after thinking about it, I realized that's exactly how Dan must have felt seeing me and Cat together. The sympathy I felt for him was greater than ever. Also, the irony. Our places were finally switched and I couldn’t do anything about it. 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**~Dan~**

I couldn't tell whether the events that unfolded were a blessing or a curse, and it was annoying the hell out of me. My best friend for years was finally back and had gotten rid of that toxic girl and PJ was sort of my boyfriend. It seemed great, but underneath it all I was still so confused about my feelings for both of them. Had I gotten over Phil? I was so sure that I did, but seeing his smile a smile specifically reserved for me alone made me rethink the past few months. PJ was amazing of course, in more ways than one, and I did love him. But I also loved Phil. And I loved them for different reasons so I could never figure out which one I felt more towards. But I know that PJ loves me with all my heart, so I'm going to try and not let him down.

******************************************

PJ was actually a great boyfriend. He was so caring and loving, I'm surprised I never felt that way about him before. The only thing about him is that he loves being social. We go out in public all the time and he never seems to get tired of attention and people. I'll go out to the pub for an hour (which I'm not allowed to do anymore, thanks AA) and be drained completely. But not Peej. He would stay out all night if he could. He's also so passionate. Every little thing he does for his YouTube channel or for other things he pours his entire heart into it. It's quite amazing actually.

When Phil moved back in, he seemed fine with it, too. Although technically he's not moved back in yet. Just "waiting for an available space". He's basically part of our family again though. However on the first morning after his fight with Cat, he acted strange. A little sadder, a little quieter. I didn't really know why, it wasn't like him. He was also asking some odd questions. We were sitting in the lounge playing a game and Peej was out buying groceries when Phil piped up.

"Dan?" Phil asked whilst looking down away from me.

"Yea?"

"Are you and Peej...you know...boyfriends?"

I thought for a second before answering him. "Yeah, I guess you could say we are."

"For how long?" The tone of his voice was a little curious with a bit of suspicion tangled in it, making his intentions with these answers a complete mystery to me.

"Let's see, you got here about two weeks ago...so that would make it I dunno, a month? Maybe a month and a half? I kinda lost track."

"Have you said 'I love you' to him yet?"

"Phil where the hell are these questions coming from?" I put down my controller and looked at him, seeing he was playing with a string on the end of his shirt.

"I dunno. I was just wondering." There was an awkward silence between us, something that had been more common than usual. "You guys really love each other, you know that?"

I stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds, not expecting him to say that at all. Finally I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I really love him. He was there for me when it got really bad, you know. Living alone. He set me up with the AA meetings and moved in so I wouldn't be lonely. He's a real friend." I didn't intend for it to sound cold, but a bit of bitterness I didn't know existed came out in my voice and surprised both Phil and I.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that it would be like that." He whispered.

"Phil, that's kinda the point. You didn't know because you weren't there. No one was there. I could have died and you wouldn't even had known because you were too busy trying to cut me out of your life. Even though Cat is a pretty shit person and you can finally see that now, that doesn't excuse you for being a dick. I did love you, Phil. And you loved me too but instead of facing your emotions like a man, you hid from them and tried to erase everything that happened between us. I just don't get it." I sounded surprisingly calm for how angry and hurt my words were, and I felt more mature than ever. I expected Phil to look like he was going to start crying, but he just looked confused.

"I'm sorry Dan, but I never thought that things would end up like this. About a year ago, I was so in love with you that I couldn't think straight or even talk straight-"

"To be fair nothing about that was straight."

"Shut up Dan I'm trying to be serious. What I'm trying to say is that if I could re-do it all over again, I would. I would tell you that I loved you from the start and maybe I would be your boyfriend-or hell, maybe even husband instead of PJ. But I can't do it over and that sucks for both of us, so I'm sorry." Without another word, he stood up and headed off to his make-shift room, our office. I didn't follow him, and I didn't question him. That chapter was done.

About fifteen minutes later, PJ came home with three bags of groceries and a large pepperoni pizza. He set down the bags and kissed me sweetly when I walked up to greet him, twirling my hands in his. The little touch made me smile, as it always does, and I remembered how much he loves to hold my hands and how much I love that about him.

"I'm back." He murmured into my ear.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." I mumbled back sarcastically.

"Is something wrong? You seem kinda grumpy." PJ let go of me and opened the box of pizza, eyeing a particularly cheesy slice. He pulled it out without realizing how hot it was and shoved it in his mouth, strings of cheese falling from his lips. I debated with myself whether to tell him about the discussion I had with Phil earlier. I always told him about these things, but now that he was my boyfriend everything was different. I didn't want him to think that I was feeling things for Phil again, so instead I kept my mouth shut.

"It's nothing, Peej." I said eventually. "I'm just stressed." He handed me a slice of pizza and grinned evilly.

"You know, I watched this video with Tyler Oakley and some emo dude and they talked about how Obama unwinds, I say we should try it out and see how it works for you..." He trailed off his sentence and quirked his eyebrows, making me laugh and turned on at the same time.

"Well that emo dude does sound pretty trustworthy." I grinned back. I pushed all of my thoughts about Phil to the side and tried to focus on my boyfriend, the man I loved.

We ate pizza for a few minutes, but after that we went to my bedroom and engaged in certain activities before falling asleep. But even as I lay naked in his arms, the last thing I thought of before sleep washed over me was Phil. I knew that it wouldn't be as easy as I hoped for.


	15. Chapter 15

**~PJ~**

The chilled wind bit at my face as I rushed along to the shop, desperately trying to tug my coat over my head. When I entered the little market, warmth pressed against me like a wave of tropical air much appreciated in contrast to the bitter English winter. I ran a hand through my curls, ruffled it slightly, and stretched my arms over my head and groaned on accident, making the most sexual noise ever. Blushing in embarrassment, I quickly looked around to see if anyone saw or heard that. No one except the shop boy did, and by his smirk he either enjoyed it or found it amusing. I tried to ignore him and instead continued my search for food.

After eyeing a carton of eggs, I noticed that the shop boy was still looking at me. Not in a creepy or disgusting way, just smirking as though something was funny. I found it a bit annoying so I tried not to acknowledge him. As I picked up Phil's favourite cereal, I couldn't help but think of him and Dan. _I wonder if they're still trying to beat that game._ I laughed silently to myself.

Ever since Phil moved back into our flat, it was like we were a family again. We did things together and generally just enjoyed each other's company. But every now and then there seemed to be a bit of tension. I knew how they felt about each other, and Phil probably knows by now how Dan feels about me, so we're basically tangled in a web of emotions. It's like a soap opera, but gayer. After barely managing to haul all of the food to the one open check out stand, I finally meet the shop boy eye-to-eye. Up close, I could see he had walnut coloured hair that was swept to the side in a messy manor and a slight amount of stubble on his chin and his upper lip. He also had gorgeous amber eyes. I thought Dan's eyes were the prettiest brown, but his were stunning. Rays of gold and an almost light green swarmed his iris and exploded with colours I couldn't describe. It took me a minute to realize that he was talking to me as I was so caught up in his eyes.

"Hello? Are you there? Did a robot abduct you and take your place or something, 'cause if so I'll phone the police right away."

"What? Oh, sorry. Guess I zoned out."

"Eh, happens to the best of us." He smiled at me. I smiled back, once again lost in his eyes. "So, I'm Chris by the way, if this sexy name tag didn't give it away already. What's your name?" Chris said as he continued checking out my items.

"PJ, but my friends call me Peej."

"Does that mean if I call you Peej we're automatically friends?" I grabbed a fresh pizza from the food rack by the check out stands.

"Do you want to be friends? I mean we don't really know anything about each other."

"Okay. I'm an actor. You're turn."

"Wait, you're an actor?" Not going to lie, I was little caught off guard. "I'm a director."

"No kidding?! That's cool. I'm about to get off, you wanna grab some coffee or something?" Chris leaned forward on his elbows but the closeness didn't bother me.

I checked my watch."I really need to get back, my flatmates might want something to eat before they starve to death. I hadn't fed them in weeks. Maybe tomorrow?" I asked as I gathered up my grocery bags.

"Sounds good. Here," he took out a scrap of paper from his pocket and scribbled something before giving it to me. "It's my number, in case you want to arrange something, but I'd prefer it if you didn't arrange to murder me. Luckily you don't look like the type." I laughed loudly before stuffing the slip of paper into my coat pocket. "See you later, man." Chris smirked one more time as I walked out of the shop.

"See ya."

When I got home, Dan seemed a little off about something, but he wouldn't tell me what, and I didn't press. I kissed him and loved him like I always do, but deep inside I felt like something was different. Even when I slept with Dan, my mind was somewhere else. It wasn't far, just down the road at a shop, talking with an actor. I felt guilty for thinking of Chris at first, but then I just let it happen. After all, it's not like I was cheating on Dan. _Do I want to?_


	16. Chapter 16

**~Phil~**

_Did that actually just happen?_ I was sitting in the office, which had been made into my makeshift room, staring at the wall trying to comprehend all that Dan had said to me. He can definitely get angry, I know that the best of all, and yet he didn't this time. Everything he said to me was in a calm tone as if he had come to terms with it already. I almost preferred that he yelled at me, just to make me sure that not everything was different, that things could go back to normal. _But Dan is different now, and so am I. But I wish we weren't._

Everything that he said to me was true, and even if it hurts I can't just ignore that and feel sorry for myself. I may have a few pitiful excuses, but none of them change the fact that I left Dan when he needed help the most. When he told me that he could have died but I wouldn't have known because I was "too busy trying to cut him out of my life", I was shocked. I was too caught up in living my own life and making things better for me, too caught up in making sure no one ever found out I was in love with Dan, that I never looked at Dan's problems in the right light. I've been called childish before, but this time I actually was.

I was still contemplating when I started to hear gross noises coming from down the hall. It was no doubt Dan and PJ going at it again, they were even noisier than the neighbors downstairs. Plus Dan's moaning didn't really help the fact that I was trying to think about him in a _serious_ way. Then I remembered that the only reason I came to terms with my affection for Dan was because of wet dreams. _Oh, the irony._

When they finally stopped, it was too late. I had already started imagining myself to be in PJ's place one more time; to know the feel of Dan's smooth skin on my lips and the gentle slopes and curves of his figure. Just to taste that boy one last time and trace my fingertips over my favourite parts of his body. He was all soft features, and it was like fiery warmth washing over me to take in his beauty. No matter how many times someone could saw how gorgeous he was, it would never add up to the truth. Dan Howell is utter perfection, and no one can take that thought away from me. Not even Dan.

I should have known that thinking of Dan was a bad idea, and when I looked down at myself I wasn't really surprised to see a tent in my trousers. I sighed heavily and stood up carefully, basically crawling to the shower where I ran the water ice cold to solve my little "problem". But on my way, I saw that the door to Dan's room was open a little, so out of curiosity, I looked in. On his bed lay him and PJ, with Peej sleeping and snuggling into Dan and Dan laying in his arms. But he wasn't sleeping at all. In fact, his eyes were wide open and he looked distressed, like he wasn't content with his surroundings. I wanted to take a closer look, but being clumsy me I tripped and nearly got myself caught. So I quickly ran back over to the bathroom and tried to stay silent so Dan wouldn't get out of bed wondering if I was peeping on him.

I sat back against the bathroom door, breathing heavily and waiting till Dan found me. Luckily, he never did. I stood up and brushed myself off, a small smile creeping in from the corners of my mouth. I really shouldn't have been smiling, but I was. I was smiling because maybe, just maybe, there was a small chance that I could be with Dan. If he wasn't happy, I could make him happy. After all, we'd lived together for so long that I know exactly how to make him smile. And if I could do so by loving him openly, then maybe I could be happy too.


	17. Chapter 17

**~Dan~**

"Who's Chris?"

PJ stopped what he was doing and looked at me."What?"

"I asked who Chris was. You have his phone number in your coat pocket."

"Oh, he's an actor I met at the shop last night. I was thinking of casting him in role."

"Oh." I put the slip of paper back into my boyfriend's pocket and sat down on the sofa with him. "Why didn't you tell me you met an actor?"

"Well," he chuckled. "We were a bit busy doing other things to talk about business ops."

I blushed like I always do when someone brings up sex with me. "Oh yeah, right." We sat there for a few minutes, me leaning into Peej and his arm wrapped around me in silence. But it seemed different this time. The silence was no longer comfortable; it was heavy like a curtain waiting to reveal some big secret. Though neither of us did anything about it.

After a while, PJ stood up. "Well, I best be off."

"Where to?" I asked, sad that my warm pillow was leaving.

"I got a meeting with Chris, that actor dude." He started to put on his coat, the very one I had found his number in.

"Okay. When will you be back?"

"I dunno. We might go do something afterwards, so probably late. Will you be okay?" PJ asked, just about to walk out of the door.

"Yeah." I lied. "I'll be fine." And with that, he was gone.

It felt so familiar when he left. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was like I had experienced something like this before. I looked at my watch; 6:39. No doubt they would talk about films and other stuff over dinner, leaving me to cook for Phil and I. And by Peej not inviting me to meet him later on, it must have meant they were going to a pub. I put my phone on high volume so if he called me needing a ride back I could get him one. I sighed, wishing it wasn't like this.

PJ loves people. He loves being in public, he loves talking with others, and I don't. I don't know if you would call me an introvert, but Peej is definitely and extrovert. When I told him that I don't like going out as much, he was fine with it. But he still goes out on his own, usually to bars that I can't go to. We already spend a lot of time together, being flat mates and all, but I just wished for something more. When he was gone and Phil hadn't moved back in yet, I felt lonely again. But what I realized, between now and then, was that it wasn't just loneliness, and it wasn't just when Peej was gone. I was sad all the time, and sometimes I just had no motivation to do things. Even when I was happy, there was a lingering feeling deep in the pit of my stomach, and later I felt almost guilty being happy for once. It scared me.

I never told anyone what I was feeling, but then again I never told anyone about my feelings ever.I was in no way manly, but sharing my feelings have never been the best way to go in the past. I told Phil that I loved him and look where we are now, strangers living in the same house. The more I thought about him, the sadder I got. It was like someone had taken hold of my heart and crushed it slowly, just to enjoy the pain in my eyes. I got the sudden urge to jump out of the window, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. Thoughts like that had been more common, but I dealt with it.

The hours ticked by and I was feeling worse by the minute. I had no clue why I was so upset tonight of all the nights I was left alone. And then it hit me. The reason why I felt like shit was the same reason PJ leaving me was so familiar; it was like when Phil would leave for his dates. I'm not just sad, I'm scared. I'm so damn afraid of PJ replacing me in his life with another guy, just like Phil did with Cat. A sudden wave of emotion poured all over me and I started to cry. _Why is it that no one wants me? Why am I not good enough? Is it me? Am I not able to be loved? WHY?!_ I cried louder, pushing a throw pillow into my face to try and quiet the sobs, but it was no use.

A thought came to me then. A solution to my problems, the one I had been using since I was eighteen. A stood up shakily and made my way to the fridge, opening it slowly as if I knew that I shouldn't be doing what I was about to. Just as I thought there would be, three cases of Peej's favourite beers were lined up neatly exactly where he left them. At first, I thought that he would be disappointed in me for breaking my clean streak, but then I remembered that he doesn't care. No one cares. So as I poured the amber liquid into my mouth, I had no regret.

One case gone, onto the next. I couldn't stop myself. All my self control had gone out the window along with my sanity, so who was I to have a clear mind? It goes without saying that I was drunk. Hammered. Completely smashed and I didn't give a fuck. But when I reached for my bottle on the coffee table, it fell off and broke, tiny pieces scattering everywhere.

"Shit!" I swore, dodging the brown shards flying at me. I looked down at the mess I made and sighed. _Look what you've done, Dan. You fucked up. Just like you always do._ The words echoed in my mind so loud, I wish I could have blocked it out. But I couldn't, because you can't hide from the truth. In the corner of my eye, I saw the lamp light shine off of a particularly sharp piece of glass and I picked it up. It was smooth on most of it, but when I turned it over an edge sliced a bit of my skin open and released the dark red blood. It hurt as first, but then it was almost soothing, just to know that I was alive and I could bleed like any normal human being, and the steady pulse in my thumb where the cut was was relaxing. I took the shard again, gripping it tightly in my hands, and placed the sharpest edge to my forearm. I knew people who talked about cutting themselves. I didn't think I would ever be one of them. But there I was, crying silently and sitting on the floor of my lounge, wanting to feel  _anything_ , anything at all and settling for pain. I looked up at the ceiling as the glass slid across my skin, white hot nerves surging through my veins. I thought of Phil and everything that we've talked about over the years that we've been friends, but only one thing could come to mind. 

"I'm- I'm sorry."


	18. Chapter 18

**~Phil~**

I was very content with just staying in my room the entire night. To be honest, the only thing that didn't hurt my brain to think about was scrolling through tumblr with earbuds in and sitting on my bed, ignoring the rest of the world. Then, for some reason, I had a strange urge to check up on Dan. Call it a gut feeling, but I needed to see what he was up to.

Peej told me that he was leaving to meet up with an actor about half an hour before he left, so I knew that it was just going to be me and Dan in the flat alone. Another reason why I wanted to stay in my room. Even if Dan didn't look happy last night and I want to try and get him back, it's not worth ruining the relationship they have. Dan was considerate enough to let me live my life with Cat, so I'll let him live his life with PJ. If it comes to an end, great. If it lasts forever, then so be it.

I closed my laptop, pulled out my earbuds, and got out of bed, padding my miss-matched socked feet to the door. It opened creaking and the shrill sound nearly pierced my ears. Then it was quiet.

"Dan?" I yelled down the hall, my heart racing. _Why am I so worried?_

"Dan?" I called again, making my way down the passage. "Are you alright?" When I turned the corner, it was like I had walked into a brick wall. Sitting on the floor against the sofa was Dan, holding a shard of glass and crying, his arms cut open and bleeding everywhere. At first I didn't move. I thought it was a scene from a film; there was no way that my Dan could be endangering his own life. "DAN!"

His head turned towards me and he let out a sob, looking down at himself. He gripped the shard a little harder and I rushed to him, ripping the piece of glass out of his hand and holding him tightly. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, careful enough to not touch his arms but tight enough so he couldn't reach the glass. Dan's head fell onto my shoulder and he sobbed into my jumper; I pet the back of his head and soothed him.

"Shh." I cooed. "It's okay, everything's going to be alright. Take a deep breath Dan. It's- it's alright." I was starting to cry too, but I choked back the tears. Dan didn't need me to cry, he needed someone to cry onto and I was that person. He was my strength for so many years, but now I have to be his.

"I'm sorry Phil. I couldn't take it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He just kept on repeating his apologies in between sobs, now tightly holding onto my back. I didn't know what to do or how to reply, so I let him. "You- you must hate me."

"No, I don't."

"You're disappointed then."

"No, Dan. I'm not. It doesn't matter what caused you to do this or how intense it was to me, it was enough of a reason for you. You've been so strong for so long, I can't blame you for finally snapping. But just because you snapped, it doesn't mean you're broken. We're all a little fucked up, some more than others, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're a very good person whose strength was used so much that it became weak when it was your own problems. So no, I'm not disappointed. I'm finally understanding."

Dan stopped sobbing and looking up at me. "Thank you. It's just, it's been so hard."

"I know it has been. But why don't we clean you up now and see where the conversation takes us? Your arms must hurt an awful lot, don't they?" He nodded slowly. "Okay. Then let's get up."

I stood up carefully and helped Dan to the bathroom, still not letting go of him. Warm water washed away the blood and I watched it swirl down the sink like it was strawberry lemonade and not my love's own life. His arms were wrapped tightly and the bleeding reduced after a bit of time; he never even flinched when I accidentally touched the cuts, the soldier. Thank God he cut horizontally instead of vertically. With so many cuts, I'm sure that he would have bleed to death otherwise. I still couldn't get over how incredibly lucky I was to find Dan before he actually came close to...I didn't even want to think about it. _I never want him out of my life. I may have cut him out of it before, when I was stupid and blinded by Cat, but at least I knew he was still there if I needed him._ It was comforting to know that my best friend would always be there if I needed him. A quote came to my mind: "If you live to be one-hundred, I hope to live to be one-hundred minus a day, so I never have to live without you." I thought it fit pretty well. Suddenly I realized that that's exactly how Dan felt, and I left him. Right then and there, I made up my mind to never leave him again. I didn't care if he never felt love for me ever again, I would be there for him always. Because that's what you do when you love someone. You put aside everything to make sure that they are happy, even when you aren't. And at that moment, I didn't care if he loved me back. I just wanted Dan to be happy.

We were sitting on his bed, our voices softer than cotton talking about old memories from 2009. The Manchester ride, the snowiest day ever, and of course the day we finally met at the train station. I remember it like it was yesterday even though it felt like it was a thousand lifetimes ago. Time couldn't fly fast enough until I could finally hug the person I had talked to for so long. When I finally did see him, the tall boy with tan skin and falsely straight brown hair, words couldn't describe how happy I was. It was like everything was right in the world; I'd like to think Dan felt the same way. Looking at him now, he's so different. What once was a shy teenager with a love for YouTube is now taller-than-me young man with an outspoken mindset and a heart filled with kindness and compassion. And I was lucky enough to watch him grow. I glanced at him to make sure that he wasn't asleep. He looked up at me with huge brown eyes still partially red and I knew exactly what to say.

"Dan?"

"Yes Phil?"

"Can you promise me something? Even if it sounds odd?"

He looked at me with a serious expression, matching the one I felt inside. "Of course, Phil. Always."

I sighed. "Every time you cut yourself, I want you to take my arm and do the same to me."

"Phil? Why the hell would I do that to you?"

"Because Dan. I love you. Not the I-wanna-get-in-your-pants love, but the caring love that makes me never want to leave your side again. And I just want you to remember what it feels like when someone loves you so much that they would take all your pain and bring upon themselves, just to make sure you never have to cry again. Please, _please_ never hurt yourself again like that, you're too beautiful to cause pain." Looking down at my Dan, I saw that silent tears were streaming from his pretty brown eyes.

"Phil I-"

"You don't have to say anything."

"No. I want to. No one has ever said anything like that to me _ever._ And to be quite honest, I never expected someone to. So thank you so much, I really needed it."

I hugged him even tighter, careful not to hurt him. "I'll always be there, Bear. Always." Slowly, the tears stopped falling and Dan's breathing became steady and even; he had fallen asleep. Instead of sliding away to my own bed where I was supposed to be, I just lay there and watch him sleep, the reassuring rise and falling of his chest that he was alive. I closed my eyes one final time, dreams of a painless world just a skipping stone away and thought silently to myself. _Always._  


	19. Chapter 19

**~PJ~**

I wasn't too drunk when I got back to the flat, just a little tipsy. I'm not sure exactly what time I got home, but it was probably somewhere around two in the morning. Chris had taken me to a nice pub a couple blocks away after dinner and I had a great time. He was great, Chris was that it. He was sarcastic and hilarious, just a joy to be around. With him, I felt as light as air. He even asked if I wanted to go home with him, but I said no. But walking into my own flat, where my boyfriend was, I realized that I really wanted to go with him.

It's not like I didn't want Dan anymore, that I was bored of commitment, honestly I had no intention of hurting anyone with my actions. Maybe it was me, that I was changing. I had never had a crush on someone who wasn't my friend first, I even had a thing for Phil when we first met (though that quickly diminished). Chris wanted to be more right off the bat and it was kind of refreshing. Plus, he was a really good guy. I liked him a lot.

I decided to check up on Dan before I went to bed so I walked to his room and opened the door slightly. Inside, I saw Dan curled up asleep on Phil's chest and Phil laying back, also asleep, on the pillows. They were fully clothed. It caught me off guard. At first I didn't believe what I was seeing, but I didn't do anything it. They weren't naked, so I doubt that Dan was trying to cheat on me. Instead of asking questions, I simply just went to bed. It could be sorted out in the morning and I wasn't in the right mind to have a civil discussion. Also, I found that I didn't really care. Maybe I was shocked a little bit, but if Dan was in love with Phil again, then who was I to tear it up? It's Dan's life, not mine.

*********************************************

I woke up rather early and found I couldn't get back to sleep. It was only seven o'clock, so I got up and made coffee, enjoying the peace and quiet. Sitting on the sofa, a brown glint appeared in the corner of my eye and I saw it was a piece of brown glass. When did this get here? I wondered. Before I could investigate any more, a sleepy Phil walked out into the lounge.

"Good morning." He yawned, stretching his arms above his head.

"Morning. Coffee?" I nodded my head to the instant coffee maker. "I made you a cup already since I know what your answer will be."

He smiled. "Yes, please." Phil went to get his cup and then sat next to me on the sofa, legs crossed underneath him. He was still in his clothes from the night before.

I took a breath."Phil, I saw that you spent the night with Dan. And I'm not mad or anything, I just want to know what happened." I blurted out, looking down into my mug. He froze, surprised at my sudden confession.

He sighed eventually. "Dan...he got into some trouble last night. He relapsed. The beers you keep in the fridge, he drank almost all of them. Then he smashed a bottle and was using the pieces to-" Phil stopped talking for a second, like the story hurt him too much to think about. He cleared his throat. "To cut himself. So I cleaned him up and I guess we fell asleep. I don't think that he's an alcoholic, Peej. Maybe that too, but I think he's depressed. I don't have the right to say what he is or isn't, but he needs help. I want him to feel better, and no AA meeting is gonna get him there."

I sat in silence, not sure how to react to that. But Phil started talking again so I didn't have to worry about it. "Nothing went on between us, I can assure you. But to tell you the truth, I love him. I can't stop how I feel, and I'm sorry. I promise that I won't come between you two."

"It's alright, Phil. I was stupid to think that there wasn't any love left in you for each other, so that's on me. I think he'd be better without me anyway, or at least better with you. And honestly, he loves you too. I never should have stopped what was bound to happen, so I'm sorry too I guess." It was quiet for a few seconds, and then I laughed.

Phil looked at me, confused. "What's so funny?" I managed to get out a few words in between bursts of laughter.

"It's just, oh my god. Look at us. We're like a soap opera. _Phil Lester, the average bi and ready to try, wants to be Dan Howell's boyfriend, but PJ Liguori is in the way of their relationship. Also Phil's ex wife hates Dan and PJ with a passion which kept him from being with them. Also PJ has a man friend named Chris who wants to get into his pants._  It's pretty funny, dude."

We both started laughing then, as if nothing was wrong with the world. It was great, just to let go and laugh till your ribs hurt. It reminded me of when just me and Phil were friends, before Dan had come into either of our lives. That was a different time, though. All that's happened has happened and no one can change that. Not even me. But as long as we could fix what was broken and fall back in love with our lives, I'm sure that everything will be alright. After all, it always is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Wait, what man friend?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter ever! D:

**~Dan~**

PJ broke things off with me two days after my incident over a cup of coffee at my favourite cafe. I would be lying really if I said I hadn't expected it. Even if he didn't get cozy with his new actor, I'm sure I would have done it myself. It was never going to work between us, and we were just then facing the music.

When Phil cleaned me up and comforted me on the night of my relapse, something clicked inside of me. I have never felt like someone cared for me in a long time, but as I sat there crying and listening to him tell me I was good person, I honestly believed that he wanted me in his life. So just before I fell asleep in his arms, a thought came to me. I could live in a world without anyone, but not Phil. Then I realized something greater: with Phil, I actually wanted to live in this world. I wanted to live for him.

*******************************************

**_~three months later~_ **

The heavy rain splattered hard on the windows, deforming the figures of people and buildings outside into shapes unrecognizable to mankind. The weather was always shit in England, but March was the worst. Everyone was miserable and tired of winter, ready for spring to come its way and make everything pretty and more importantly: warm. But not even the rain could keep me down that day, as I had Phil by my side holding my hand underneath the diner table.

The bell chimed as the door to the diner opened, letting in PJ and Chris who were laughing over how Peej's hair looked because of the rain. They looked around for a second before Chris pointed at us and motioned for PJ to follow and slid into the other side of the booth.

"Top of the morning." Chris beamed in a butchered Irish accent.

"It's noon, Chris." Phil laughed.

Chris shrugged. "It's five o'clock somewhere."

PJ laughed. "I'm not sure that's what that saying means-"

"Anyway enough about me." Chris cut him off. "How's the happy couple? Not meaning me and Peej, of course. I feel like we haven't seen you in ages." Chris leaned in and stole one of my chips not-so-sneakily, munching on it in a carefree way.

"Well we saw you last week so it wasn't that long ago. But we're good. It's all good." Phil looked over to me, smiling lovingly and knew that he was thinking about earlier that morning.

Since the night where I cut up my arms, Phil was concerned about me with every reason to be. So we scheduled a medical appointment and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Not bad enough that I had to be withheld, but enough to not be ignored. Along with daily medication, they had me see a therapist to help with my emotions and urges. There was never a requirement for how often I had to see her, just as many times as I needed. At first, I saw her every other day. Slowly as I got better, though, I saw her less often. That morning was the first time I went to go see her in almost two weeks. And when I went there, she told both me and Phil that I was doing a hell of a lot better. Seeing Phil's reaction to that was the best thing I had seen in a while; I wanted to take a picture of that smile just so I could look at it every time I was sad.

"So... are we expecting a happy announcement anytime soon?" PJ wiggled his eyebrows. I blushed and looked at him and Chris intensely, attempting to communicate with them through looks to tell them to shut up about it.

"That's right, you got your divorce finalized a while ago, didn't you Phil?" I thought of Phil's bitchy ex-wife Cat and remembered how we saw her a couple days ago making out with another guy in public. I shuddered.

Phil laughed a little. "Yeah that's right. But I don't know yet. Maybe." I relaxed a little, glad that he was at ease with it. If he had said something along the lines of 'there's no way I'm getting married ever again', then I would be crushed. Especially since I had a box in my coat pocket containing a ring with Phil's name engraved on it. I planned to give it to him later that night.

"That's great! You two are made for each other." PJ smiled, but as he said it he looked at me. Looking in his eyes, I could see that he was remembering us and what we had. It wasn't that bad, as I recall, but everything I better now. And he knows it too. Chris is a great guy and he makes Peej happy, which is the important part, being happy.

After all that we had been through, we deserved a little happiness, a little love. Over a year ago, the three of us were broken inside, scared of our feelings. And that fear was what caused us to do things that we regret today, things that should never have happened. Phil lost his want to love, PJ lost his sense of love, and I lost my love completely. But now everything is better, and it will be even more so. Because even if we're all a little fucked up, some of us more than others, that doesn't mean we're bad people. We deserve love, all of us. The deep, broad love that strengthens us as people. Despite what anyone thinks, it's love that keeps us-me together. It's love that keeps me alive.

_**THE END** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you so so so much for reading this! I hoped it lived up to every one of your expectations and maybe more. (Also sorry not sorry for the pheels) I'll probably be posting more phanfics in the future, near or not. Once more thank you for sticking around and (hopefully) enjoying this rough around the edges fic. Peace! :3


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